Now five years later, where am I?

For the first three years, I thought about London every single day. Literally. Because when you’ve had those omg-I-love-my-life epiphanies mid-day just by walking down the street, how can you not think about that?

I was living in the past. 

I knew what lay ahead of me in HK, and I still chose to come back, but it didn’t change the fact that settling in life here was difficult beyond imagination. 

I had been reprogrammed. I had a new outlook on life. I felt disconnected with the people who had been constant in my life for the past 10 or 20 years. Because when 結婚生仔買樓上車 aren’t your pursuits of life, what meaningful conversations can you have? And you can only go on whining about your mundane, dissatisfying, unoriginal job for so long, until you resort to talking about mobile data plans just to keep the conversation going. And I wasn’t even using an iphone.

Life was slowly sucking my soul away. And I thought, I’m not going to live a life that good again. So let’s wallow in melancholy and fuck society.

Strangely, it got better along the way. I made a short trip back to London in 2013 and I left there peacefully without any drama. Anti-climatic right? 

I was finally coming to terms with my new life. 

Then, things started to looked up. I started a job that I was passionate about (at least at that time), I picked up a new old hobby and I found a new dream place to be in (Hi Nashville!).  

I’ve learnt to live in the present and life was pretty awesome (yay!). But I didn’t realise how this newfound connection with the present would shake me up. Because now I can’t say ‘fuck society’ and pretend the social norms and values that I have resisted but also internalised don’t trouble me.

Oops. 

One lesson these five years has taught me, is that living is not only about happiness. It’s also about finding purpose, choosing your life and staying true to yourself. It’s a constant struggle. And that’s okay, because I’m living life.

Don't Be Sad That It Ended, Be Glad That It Happened.

從前總覺得要放下一切跑到外國過新生活需要很大的決心，但其實要過自己不想過的生活需要更大的決心。

某日無聊之下翻看日記，看到好幾年前在xanga很流行的無聊100問，其中一條問題問我最想住在哪個城市，我回答－倫敦。好笑，那時我還未到過倫敦。

在高中那幾年，留學和在歐洲生活都是我的夢想之一，但過了一陣子又把它們忘記了。到了大學三年，幾次想要報exchange，但總有原因令我卻步，不過絕對不是我怕不能照顧自己。

初來埗到，生活上的改變是大的，洗衫買餸煮飯甚至洗廁所都要自己弄， 我以為自己要用上一個月來適應，但實情是我根本不需要用時間去適應。話說當時有些人很驚訝我自己一個人來倫敦，我說：ya幾歲人也不能獨立生活也未免太沒面子了。

So far，我的人生旅途中好像沒有甚麼不是我選擇的。中五會考成績不算標青但也夠我跳槽，然後我選擇留在民記；中七AL成績繼續不算標青但也夠我讀個商學位，然後我選了文學院；大學畢業GPA差0.01但UCL還肯收我，三揀一之下我選了UCL，一次過滿足兩個夢想。

六年前跟團來了倫敦一天，逗留了24小時不夠。對倫敦的印象是Arsenal，Wimbledon，musical，93/4月台，紅色電話亭，China Town和很貴。住了一個月，對倫敦的印象多了幾項－節奏慢，吃飯不能催侍應，Starbucks很難喝，是落後版香港。那時，我說‘我以為我會有啟發’。

最近兩個月，同學常問‘Are you excited to go back to Hong Kong?’

我總說‘I’m excited to go back home, but not Hong Kong.’

我從來都沒有特別喜歡香港或者特別覺得自己是香港人（除了別人問‘Are you from China的時候’），因為我覺得我跟大部分（同齡）香港人的思想差了一截。在香港，你不是主流便甚麼都不是；倫敦固然有主流文化，但即使你不是主流，你仍然會belong to something else. 我最愛不是倫敦的musical，而是diversity。倫敦是一個unenglish的城市，很多外地人，而Londoners都習慣了多元文化，所以在這裡不會覺得自己是outsider，同時大家也多了一份香港容不下的individuality。那是一個很好的提點，因為我差點要忘了自己的想法比別人的意見重要。

過去一年的生活只是讀書和玩樂，零commitment零應酬，很是carefree。有£的話，倫敦的生活很是愜意。當然我不是self-finance，還是有£讓我時不時去看一下musical，football game，去旅行，而且學生生活又沒甚麼壓力。我想說的是生活的quality不只在於戶口有多少個零，家住半山千尺豪宅，吃山珍海味人參燕窩米芝蓮。我不介意住shared flat，房間小一點，衣食住行自理，精打細算，不坐地鐵坐巴士，只想有時間，有機會做喜歡的事，就算是閒時坐草地曬太陽吃個picnic lunch也是一種享受。在香港可行嗎？香港根本不容許坐草地。

在倫敦最愛National Gallery和musicals。我所有西洋畫知識都是在各大galleries和museums學回來的，我連Charles I長成怎麼樣也記得. West End簡直是我最活躍的地方，哪個theatre有那些平靚正的座位，哪一齣劇哪個角色的understudy比principal好等等我也算略知一二。我算不上是文化人，但我的確愛倫敦的文化活動。等香港西九發展等到頸都長埋但仍然是十劃都未有一撇。

這年也達成了第三個願望－一個人旅行。自由行會令人上癮，一人遊亦如此。我承認我很個人主意，旅途上完全按自己步伐走，可以突然改行程，不用徵求他人意見，實在是很自由。經常有人問‘一個人在旅途不會悶嗎？’ 天天四處觀光，新地方新事物，來不及悶。一個人去旅行不等如全程都要一個人行。 一個人反而更容易認識同讓是獨自旅行的旅人，合得來的不妨同遊。去旅行增廣見聞不只在於旅行的地點和當地文化，有時候最大得著是從遇到的traveller而來的。

我很想念倫敦這個城市，但我最想念的是這一年遇到的好同學。我以為master的同學不會很social，但我們會自發性搞gatherings，到寫dissert時差不多每星期都有ChanHo Enforced Socialising. 同學來自五湖四海，學年完了，大家各散東西。香港的同學當然會再聚；日本台灣內地的同學要見面也許不太難，long weekend搭幾小時飛機便行；要見歐洲同學就有一定難度。

這幾個月對我最重要的McCarthy & Prince, Downing和老細John Harris都不再是很重要。有人想了解廣東話的韻律構詞學嗎？又或者是究竟廣東話有沒有syllables嗎？回到香港， 社會對我的定位不是我是一間世界排名第四但經常被誤會成某加州大學的學生，而是待業青年；當我找到工作後，定位就變成是我的職銜和入息。當年year 3大家都忙著找工作，這邊的同學沒有很趕的。和同學談起會回香港找工作，她說: You’re too young to get a job. Take a year off and do some travelling. 也許當年放棄文學院，我會找到份人工高的工作，在旁人眼中會更成功，但如果返工只為份人工，倒不如去玩職業炒股或者索性當個富二代。

‘I play and keep playing because I choose to play. Even if it's not your ideal life, you can always choose it. No matter what your life is, choosing it changes everything.’ - Andre Agassi

從前香港是default，讀小學中學大學是default，到master終於是自己的選擇。如果只是從自己出發，我大概會留在倫敦，多一年也好，但最重要的是我選擇了香港...... for now。我不把這次當程‘回港’，而是一個新開始，正如當初來倫敦一樣。經過這一年，我很清楚我要過怎樣的生活，甚麼對我才是重要。

Wed

Back from Edinburgh on Tue night and Wed was busy.

Morning

Brought back the mirror to Mandy's old place. Then went to see Tinker Tailor Solider Spy.

Gary Oldman is amazing!!!!!! I hope he'll win an Oscar for this! Must go see this again when it comes to HK.

Colin has little screen time but he's great as always. The chemistry between him and Mark Strong is so evident. If you've read the book, you'll definitely understand the final scene much better, coz I don't think you can get it from the movie that there's a little something going on between them.

Back to SOAS to return the books and then met up with Faith. Delightful afternoon.

At night went to Winnie's place in zone 4. Great to go to the suburbs for roast dinner!

Haven't packed. Is it too late?

Phantom of the Opera - Best cast X Worst audience

終於交了9848字的dissertation。解脫之餘，這個MA也告一段落。

======

Angela 0黎0吾到睇Blood Brothers，所以提前今晚睇Phantom. 6pm到theatre，見到cast list寫話今晚係Katie Hall演Christine，perfect，因為我無興趣再睇Sophia Escobar. 買到£25.75飛，試過上次Wicked坐dress circle無氣氛，今次寧願要restricted view都要坐stall最後一行。

The Show

上次睇0吾到JOJ就決定臨走之前一定要睇一次佢ge演出，加上後來得知Killian Donnelly將會演Raoul，Katie Hall會係alternate Christine就更加期待。

第三次睇Phantom，第三個cast，亦係最好，最balanced ge一個。

之前同fd講開話JOJ生不逢時，先係舊年Les Mis 25th畀未演過Valjean ge Alfie Boe搶做個主角做，今年Phantom 25th又畀Ramin擔正，一個都幾ledgendary ge West End leading man竟然落得如此下場，睇怕都係得罪坐Andrew Llyod Webber同老麥。講返Phantom，JOJ絕對係不能不看！演得唱得之餘把聲真係好arm Phantom。He gave me chills! 同埋佢ge voice control好勁lor！特別鐘意Point of No Return佢先扮Don Juan把聲，然後轉番Phantom聲。不過個人比較喜歡Scott Davis ge Final Lair同埋今晚都0吾係佢ge best performance。

No one can beat JOJ!

。

今晚係Katie Hall第五次上場。對佢第一印象係－佢好高！高過Meg Giry成個頭。比SE要好，最主要係佢把聲無0甘尖，0吾會刺耳。我認，我d注意力主要放係JOJ同KD身上，但係anyway佢演Christine演得真係幾好

話說我都算係半個KD fans。Vocally，我覺得佢唱Enjorlas好過Raoul，可能係再過多陣佢會揾到Raoul把聲，coz he’s so freaking talented，唱Enjorlas/Valjean/Javert全部都ok. 0吾知之前睇過人地d review有無影響，我都覺得從佢ge Raoul可以睇得出點解Raoul 0係LND會變左酒鬼。（同埋我覺得佢同LND演Raoul ge David Thaxton真係好似樣）。中場休息0個時隔離ge New Zealand lady話...

‘And the boyfriend is like Mr. Darcy!’

You know the trick? Sideburns!

Stage-dooring

Um，除左認到JOJ, Katie, Killian之外都認0吾到／見0吾到其他演員。

無欄杆即係無排隊，其間遇到有一家四口，都幾積極0甘一見到人就即刻一個箭步0甘上前。大概15人stage-door，比我想像中多，觀乎觀眾反應，我lum住得小貓三四隻。

Audience

同隔離對New Zealand couple傾計，佢地問我張飛幾錢，佢地話係酒店買飛要£67。

Theatre for less rule no. 1: Never pre-book your ticket.
然後講開個show，我當然勁sell JOJ同KD。

前兩行個位大叔竟然0係’擒’過張凳0甘中途離開座位，你0吾想睇show我想睇。

我lum住上次Wicked已經係最冷淡ge audience，點知the worst has yet to come. 坐stall最後一行，睇0西前面ge audience ge反應。

竟然未開始謝幕走有人起身走人，畀少少respect都得0卦？

最surprise ge係到Katie Hall謝幕，計埋我都只係得5個人企起身拍手，少得可憐。然後JOJ謝幕都竟然只有三份一人企起身，最後成個cast謝幕都0吾夠一半人起身。Stall都0甘，樓上情況只會更差。雖說Sept係淡季，但係Phantom, evening show, JOJ x KH x KD都無standing ovation ge我真係0吾知邊到有。此乃倫敦West End，一個戲劇文化氣氛濃厚ge地方，我真係沒見過0甘冷淡ge觀眾。

Too Young

Was talking to Catherine today.

'You're still very young. You're 22? You're too young to get a job. You can take a year off and do some travelling.'

I wish.

But that's what I need to hear. You know one thing I like about my classmates - no one's really looking for a job now. When you're in your final year in HK, you're supposed to be looking for a job. Coz if you don't... Well, everyone does. Why don't you?

...

Had problems sleeping these last few days. Is it because of thesis's deadline approaching? Is it because of the my last day in London approaching?

Maybe both.

Have been getting messages on fb from fds saying nice things about my coming back. Yes, love. I'd love to see you all. Excited in fact.

But it's never occurred to anyone that I actually don't want to stay for a long time. But then what I want is not what I do anyway.

If it's just me, huh. Never mind.

Pret Conversations

A few days ago at Pret.

I placed the sandwich at the counter. 'For take away please.'

'You sure?'

'Yeah?'

'You need a bag?'

'No thanks. I'm good.'

'Ni hao ma?'

'Haha!'

'You speak Chinese?'

'Yeah, I speak Mandarin. But it isn't my 1st lang.'

'Xie xie. See you tmr.'

A very lovely conversion. She totally acted out of character.

Yesterday

Went to Pret again. Saw the girl who served me last time and decided to queue at her counter. This time she spoke a stream of Mandarin again.

'Did you try to learn the language?'

She said she just picked up language very fast. She was still trying to learn some more Mandarin.

Interesting.

Never feel much warmth towards Mandarin though.

Today

Pure entertainment... Wrote an extra 150 words and that's it.

Shhhhhhhh-

Watched Arsenal vs Swansea. Arteta and Metersacker looked good.

Now watching Federer vs Djokovic. Roger, what's happening to you?